Brawn vs. Brain: Thor the Jock Goes to Útgarðar and Gets Burned

Brawn vs. Brain: Thor the Jock Goes to Útgarðar and Gets Burned

My God… Those stupid jocks on the football team, flexing their muscles for the girls, who are squealing in delight. Then there are the nerds who do the jocks’ homework every night, rolling their eyes as they hoist the books on their backs like pack horses… Everyone these days is really worried about being in shape, especially some nerds… Because if that homework ain’t done, someone is getting an ass-whoopin’!

Here’s the thing though… Y’all need to worry about your education, too. It is very much a balance that everyone needs, a balance of brawn and brain. Sure, a little more of one than the other is fine, but if the scales tip too far, you’re screwed. There is something else that comes with an excess of brawn OR brain: arrogance. Trust and believe, I am totes guilty of being arrogant due to my Aquarian intellect. (Can I get a Hoiyaaah!?)

Lesbi-honest… (Don’t get the reference? Don’t continue… Just leave…) Whether we have a ton of brains or brawn, we all fail… and a lot of us don’t want us to get back up and try again. We decide to cry about it as we gorge on ice cream and watch The Notebook. LISTEN. It is COMPLETELY OKAY to cry over a failure. But don’t you DARE cry like a little puta about it for weeks on end. Get up and keep going.

Myths are of course not real. They are legends. If anyone has ever watched the Disney movie Brave, you can probably remember that the Queen tells Merida that legends always have a connection to reality, and give us advice. To give you an example of such legends, I am going to share with you a Norse story from the Prose Edda book called the Gylfaginning. 

———————————————————————————————–

Once upon a time in Asgarðr… Haha, you thought I was really gonna be serious? Nah bruh. You gonna follow the story my way.

So, way back when, only Oðinn damnit knows, Thor woke up one day and decided he’s gonna go big-pimpin’ around Jotunheim, the land of the Giants. His crazy uncle Loki wanted to ride along, so they hopped in Thor’s tricked out chariot with his amazingly thoroughbred goats and they bounced across the Rainbow Bridge to Earth. So apparently goats are way more efficient than horses, and the gods were flashing gay pride first… Who knew?

On the way, they stopped at a farmhouse, zapped the goats, and took the kids as punishment for breaking the bones. Thor and the-very-much-a-pedophile Loki brought along the kids, a quick guy named Thjalfi and his sister Roskva, and left the goats and chariot at the house. Thor and his entourage made their way to the Ifing Sea, which separated Earth from Jo-Town, and crossed it in a creaky old boat.

After landing in Ballsy-Mean-Giantland, they walk through the forest (which was about as thick as a silver-back gorilla’s pubes) and find a big ol’ cabin. They stay the night and are continually scared by earthquakes. You wouldn’t believe it, but it was the mighty Thor that was screaming like a baby. When morning comes, they find that the cabin was really the glove of a giant named Skrymir. Yes, you pronounced it right; it sounds like “screamer”. Skrymir woke up, saw the group, and said, “Yo waddup y’all I’m Skrymir. My girls call me Big-n-Tall.” They all get along swimmingly (except Roskva probably…) and head to Útgarðar together.

They later stop for the night, and Biggie G went to sleep first… We all know what that means… Thor decided to try and kill Skrymir with his hammer, but the three times Thor hit the giant, the damn thing sank even further into his head! The next morning, Skrymir bounced and left his little friends in the dust. As Thor and his N.W.A. got close to Útgarðar, they saw three valleys, perfectly square. IKR, like, WTH bruh? They finally got to the capital, slipped through the bars, and went to the throne room.

In the throne room, the giants looked at the foursome like ravenous wolves, or perhaps Miranda Priestly, but the King, Útgarðar-Loki just looked at them like, Dafuq y’all want? Thor stood up like he was all that and a bag of chips and more, and said, “AY! We straight outta Asgard and we lookin’ for someone that wants to buck! Who wanna go? Who wanna take some L’s?” Útgarðar-Loki, being the OG Giant he was, acted real slick and said, “Y’all gangstas look hungry. Anyone wanna have an eating contest?” Of course, Loki stepped up like the Big Cheese, and sat down across from a giant named Logi. They started eating the king out of house and home, and when they were finished, Loki had eaten the meat; Logi, however, ate EVERY-DAMN-THANG.

Thor, man, he was piiiiissed. The King saw he was pissing off Thor, and challenged the foursome to a race against the giant Hugi. Thjalfi, being long-legged like a skeeter, took up the challenge. Hugi beat him without breaking a sweat, three times in a row. The King then said to Thor, “Ay, man, you lookin’ a little warm. You want a little drink?” Taking this as another challenge, Thor accepted, and chugged the water he was given. The horn barely emptied. Thor’s veins were practically about to pop out of his skin, and he screamed, “I dare one of y’all brothas to fight me!”

“Aight then,” the King said, and he moved aside to reveal his old, crazy-ass stepmama from hell, Elli. Thor ran at her, and she knocked his ass OUT. The other giants leaned back and yelled, “DAAAAAAAAYUM!” Útgarðar-Loki was, however, a good king, and took care of the ego-wounded group. The next morning, he took them outside the city and said, “Hey Thor, my man, I’m real sorry you took an L last night tho. But listen, I know you wanna go another round, but that ain’t happenin’ G.”

Man, Thor looked at him like a Blood lookin’ at a Crip. The king kept talking. “The giant you met, Big-n-Tall? That was me, bruh.” Roskva threw up a little in her mouth at that… “Those big valleys over there? I pulled that mountain in front of my head and you hit the mountain!” Loki was grinnin’ like the Joker, like he knew the whole damn time…

“That giant Logi? Didn’t you see the crazy red hair? Logi is Wildfire! And Hugi? He’s Thought, man! Didn’t you see him daydreaming before the race? And the horn man, that was a trip! Just sayin’, the other end was in the sea! And my step-mama? She’s Old Age! I know you saw her lookin’ like a raggedy-ass vulture on a tree with her cane and wrinkles! Can’t nobody beat Old Age!”

Thor came undone and smashed his hammer in the King, or at least he tried to… In the King’s place was nothing but a little rock on the ground, with three little indentations in its surface. Loki picked it up and lost his shit. “It says, it says, it says… HAHAHA!!!!! ‘DEEZ DENTS! HA! GOT’EEM!'”

Thor’s face:   -___-    ..|..  *gives the middle finger* Screw you, Loki…

———————————————————————————————–

Welp, that’s arrogance! And see? All legends have some truth and teach us a lesson!

Now, serious time… In all reality and seriousness, guys, try to be like Útgarðar-Loki. Have that balance of strength and wisdom. Thor was pissed, oh yes, he was pissed, but he didn’t let that stop him. He used his anger to do other bad-ass stuff, like defending Miðgarðr from the Giants. Everyone needs to do the same. Did you just fail a test? Turn the negative energy into positive energy, and study harder for the next tests. Did you just get pissed at your parents, or a teacher? Take that B.S., and think about all of the good they have done for you. If you can’t do that, at least try to make something positive out the negativity.

Another lesson we can take from this is to be humble. Thor FO SHO wasn’t humble, and he got checked by the Giant King. One thing that I can genuinely and originally say is something my mama has always told me: No one likes an asshole.

So guys, always remember:

1: Be humble.

2: Turn negativity into positivity.

3: Balance your brawns and brains.

Peace out y’all!

– The Ollam

Photo: Creds to adornments.files.wordpress.com